


Adventures in Babysitting

by thepassionatehumanoid



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Comedy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepassionatehumanoid/pseuds/thepassionatehumanoid
Summary: "That's one ugly cat," said Nicolo."It kind of looks like those bears in China, what were they called again? Xiongmao?" Andromache piped up."It's a raccoon!""We saved it from being eaten by the other bigger raccoon.""Okay," said Nicolo blankly. They all stared at it as it attempts to valiantly wriggle out of Yusuf's grip before giving up once more.-Or, the gang encounters a raccoon for the first time.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 21
Kudos: 212





	Adventures in Babysitting

"That's one ugly cat," said Nicolo. 

"It kind of looks like those bears in China, what were they called again? Xiongmao?" Andromache piped up.

"It's a raccoon!" 

"We saved it from being eaten by the other bigger raccoon." 

"Okay," said Nicolo blankly. They all stared at it as it attempts to valiantly wriggle out of Yusuf's grip before giving up once more. 

"It reminded us of you Nico- eating garbage and refusing to die when supposed to," said Quynh cheerfully. 

"What Quynh meant to say is that its tenacious spirit and ability to eat anything made us think of you, so we just had to rescue it," Yusuf backs up hurriedly. 

"Thanks," Nicolo replied dryly. 

"Hmm, the two of you could be cousins, with the dark circles around the eyes and all that," said Andromache. 

"Fuck off. I'm going back to the kitchen," said Nicolo, mouth quirking up in amusement. 

While Nicolo continued to prepare dinner, Quynh and Yusuf were busy trying to clean and bandage the beast's wounds, each of them receiving deep scratches for their trouble while Andromache gave them unhelpful pointers. 

Yusuf tried to win its favour by bribing it with some chocolate he found in the pantry, sequestered all the way back and hidden from view. 

Unfortunately, the beast was not having it despite gobbling up the treat greedily. Though, it was entertaining to watch it hold the chocolate with its paws- hands? 

Yusuf has to admit that it was kind of cute when it wasn't trying its best to gorge his eyes out. It made him nostalgic about the first few weeks of knowing Nicolo, of the time when he did manage to scratch his eyes out while Yusuf attempted to strangle him. 

'Ah, how far we both have come,' thinks Yusuf fondly. He's startled from his reverie by the sound of Quynh yelping, the raccoon victoriously drawing more blood. It's a good thing all of them have healing abilities or they would be foaming at the mouth from rabies by now. 

Once the animal exhausted itself, Yusuf gingerly places it in the sewing basket (which Quynh had dumped its contents all over the carpet beforehand), and closes the door to the bedroom he and Nicolo were sharing. 

"If it shits on the bed, you're cleaning it up!" shouts Nicolo, nose deep in chili. 

Yusuf sighs and regrets his life choices. 

After their meal, with Quynh and Andromache cleaning up in the kitchen, Yusuf settles down on a chaise to watch Nicolo unabashedly.

Nicolo was busy cradling the raccoon like a newborn baby, the animal content to be held by him because of course it does. 

Nicolo was gently rocking it side to side, muttering what Yusuf assumes to be a lullaby in Genoese under his breath. From the way the beast looks at him, one would think that it was Nicolo who found it and rescued it from death. 

When Yusuf eventually got up to fetch some water from the kitchen, he caught a snippet of the one-sided conversation. 

"It's okay. We still love you, even if you're one ugly motherfucker," crooned Nicolo, the starry-eyed gaze from the animal resolute and not abating anytime soon.

Yusuf choked on air and stumbled into a chair, Andromache helpfully thumping him on the back from where she was perched nearby, all the while chewing on her tabacco without pause.

Later, when Yusuf tries to roll himself over his love in bed, Nicolo halts his decent for a kiss with a hand on his chest. Yusuf leans back enough to watch his eyes flick over to where the raccoon was sleeping in the corner and flick back to meet his gaze again. 

Judging by his unimpressed stare, Yusuf would not be getting some any time soon as long the beast was in the same room as them. 

Yusuf drops back with a groan and rolls out of the bed, scoops up the basket and walks out to bang on Andromache and Quynh's door. It takes five minutes of needling and wheedling them to take in the raccoon which they only finally agree to do so after he promises them he'll pay for the next 20 rounds of drinks. 

When Yusuf makes the trek back to their bedroom, he is greeted to the sight of Nicolo lazily fingering himself open, a smirk on his lips as he gestures at him to come over with his free hand. 

'Nice,' Yusuf thinks and that is the last coherent thought he has for the rest of the night. 

Afterwards, right before Yusuf drifted off to sleep, Nicolo squirmed around a bit to turn himself in Yusuf's embrace and whisper in his ear. 

"Habibi, I love you but if you feed anymore of my chocolate to that raccoon I will not let you fuck my mouth again for the next 50 years." 

At that, Yusuf's eyes immediately snaps wide open but Nicolo was already asleep, snuggling him without a care in the world. 

Suffice to say, Yusuf will not be feeding anything to that damned beast without his love's approval first.

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi to me on the bird app @bubbleteahooman 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Stay safe!


End file.
